my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
