You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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