well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
