Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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