I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
