I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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