dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
