i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
