he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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