remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
