She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
