Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
