3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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