if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
