We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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