i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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