fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
