Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
