my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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