If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
