Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
