I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize