How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
