Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
