I'd wear matching sweaters with you
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
