her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
