2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
