2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude i'm inner monologue high
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
