his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We're too hungover to prance.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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