We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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