I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
