I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
