Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
