I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize