I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize