We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
