Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize