I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
