My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
