I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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