you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
