would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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