You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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