That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
