Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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