there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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