I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
