my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
