Just fell off a train. Bad.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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