when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
