Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
