you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
