Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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