I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
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