I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i've created a new STD.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
