I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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