I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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