1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
