Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
what day is it and did you see me today?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
