Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just had sex on a roof
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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