Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
